HELEN’S ELDERHOOD INITIATION

The process toward and through Elderhood initiation was been unlike any other life experience.
When in our hectic world do we have the chance/ take the time to examine our life progress, decade-by-decade, issue-by-issue? Sounds like therapy, and I am a psychotherapist. But the Elderhood initiation is instead a class led by a loving, supportive, and incredibly wise woman, Ariann Thomas. Under her guidance, an amazing group of women become sisters on the journey toward self-empowerment.

The class was more than challenging, even for one who has a doctorate in psychology and so theoretically lots of years of insights behind her. But this was a new way of examining my life and issues- all coming down to– do I stay in my power or give it away? I realized I’ve spent a lifetime trying to help others-my Dad always told me we are on Earth to be of service. Thanks to this class, I realized that I mixed up service and sacrifice and always put my own needs last. It was painful at times reviewing my life, and seeing how often I gave my power over to others- parents, teachers, mostly MEN. A lifetime of people-pleasing that came from 16 years of Catholic education.

Luckily we were paired up with a buddy for the class with whom we shared the soul-searching and found commonalities. Lots in common even with very different backgrounds, many issues emerged the same. Unfortunately, about halfway into the class, my buddy dropped out for personal reasons. That was a huge loss. Although we hadn’t met in person, we had connected on a deeper level and knew more about each other than many friends do. We stayed in contact, and she agreed to be my personal elder that came to Spirit Quest to support me. But I’d asked Ariann in a panic if losing my partner meant I couldn’t do the class. There had been another woman in the class that I’d felt drawn to, and I asked to join her and her buddy. They were welcoming, though it felt strange being the new kid on the block (knowing how deeply they had shared up till then.) We made it work, and found common ground on our weekly calls. I am grateful that it did turn out this way, because the woman I’d wanted to know better also became my personal elder.

We identified our core issues, and agonized whether we would be ready in time for Spirit Quest. It seemed such a short time to learn and change so deeply. Actually, Ariann subsequently decided the pace of our class was too grueling, and so she is spreading the class over a year instead of six months. The class calls became highlights in my week- a chance to hear my sisters’ life experiences and insights, and see how we as women endure so much, survive and get stronger in life. Yet, yet… can reach this age of Elderhood and still not be standing in our power.

When we reached the crone years in class, I bought a deck of oracle cards- Wisdom of the Crone, trying to see beauty in age. I will never forget the morning on a call when my buddy and I looked up definition of crone in the dictionary. Ugh- shades of hags with warty noses and “desiccated flesh.” Not me! Not her!

We found out about the concept of give-away, and that we had to make gifts for those supporting us at Spirit Quest- 20 or 30 people no less. Also create our staffs and personal medicine wheels. I knew nothing about staffs or medicine wheels. The gifts were supposed to reflect who we really are. Ha! Who I thought I was, was one of California’s least crafty women. Yet I found pleasure in gathering the flowers of my land and making potpourri and lavender sachets. Along the way I decided to do the Naming Ceremony and made my Life Necklace, and learned in an angel session that my ceremonial name was White Feather. I bought organza bags topped with white feathers, and placed tiny Amazing Angels in each, so that the recipient could intuitively pick the bag with the angel most needed in his or her life right now. Who I am is an angel person, so it all came together despite my reservations.

Learning about the Medicine Wheel was fascinating- so many possibilities, and so overwhelming at first. How to feel what’s right for me when I never knew ANYTHING about one before? Being a researcher, I of course had to Google Medicine Wheel to death, and download articles and read previously unread books on my shelves. Finally I painted my own which incorporates archangels and Eric Erikson’s Stages of Development! I created my staff at Spirit Quest during my three days of silence with materials I’d brought. I’m glad Ariann gave us permission to do it there, because it evolved as I grew during those days.

Those three days…the most intense, most grueling, most transformative. At the circle right before going to our tents, we were given last minute instructions. No processed sugar, no caffeine…WHAT no caffeine? I’d enjoyed the French-pressed coffee in the outdoor kitchen of Spirit Quest that morning, and had survived the three-day drive to Spirit Quest as sole driver with the aid of tea and Diet Coke. One of the migraines I had during the three days would have sent me to the hospital had I been home. My hips and back ached severely, and I had horrific restless leg syndrome for hours and hours one night. Little sleep. I had never felt old till then. I loved the silence and chance for introspection, but my body just plain ached unbearably at times. The heat during the day was intense, combined with the headaches, and at one point I literally thought I was going to die and didn’t care. I continually wrote notes to my elder requesting ice and prayers. Both helped. I didn’t die and the Grandmothers spoke to me, and I learned that if I can endure that, I could do anything. I learned that as a therapist I have been worn down by coming from empty by always putting the needs of others first. I leaned to come from full. To walk in grace, honoring the Mother.

I loved the ceremonies, the Sacred Fire, waking to Misa singing, the birdsong and raven caws, the beautiful moth who shared my tent and journey, the snuffling of the bear who went past my tent late at night (I have bear medicine and wasn’t scared,) the incredible sense of community supporting our quest, the sisterhood with my fellow elders, getting to know my mother in law from New Zealand who had been almost a stranger, yet became a mother to me as a result of coming to Spirit Quest with me and sitting on my Elderhood council. Living in sacred space. Many, many things are woven into the tapestry that supports me now in life, just as I wrap myself daily in my meditation shawl that I used at Spirit Quest.

I had a difficult transition back from Spirit Quest. After being in trance for the three days, and really mostly for the week because I am an intuitive, everyday life was a challenge. I could do my work as a therapist easier, coming from full, and with the help of Spirit. But otherwise, I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. Wordless. Just needed time to myself to re-acclimate and integrate. I realized that it is crucial for me to remain awake and aware of everyday reality (like finances,) and that in many ways it is easier for me to walk in the world of Spirit. Like the tortoise on my staff, I need to walk fully in both of my worlds.

Each day I do something toward my three commitments made at my Elderhood Initiation to be of service to the Earth in my own way, and like the tortoise, move slowly but steadily along my path. When I felt so off-kilter, a reminder from one of my fellow elder-sisters got me back into looking at my Medicine Wheel, and I created a living one outdoors as my Living Dream Garden. Each morning I lie on the Mother to meditate near my Medicine Wheel, and start the day with gratitude. I have never been a morning person and would have remained unconvinced had anyone told me prior to Elderhood that I could get up early to meditate. Especially if it’s foggy and wet or cold and I’m achy. But my soul needs sacred time.

In the past few days, I have decided to become Misa’s apprentice to be a Keeper of the Water Ceremonies. The water ceremony means so much to me and feeds my soul. I want other women to have the chance to incorporate these ancient mysteries in their lives. I also look forward to helping the next group of women approaching Elderhood Initiation, and say to you who reads this-it will be the hardest thing you have done in your life and the best. It IS so worth it.

I am Maya White Feather and I have spoken.